February 14, 2007
The snow falls for me (Personal Life)
It's a day of many things.
The first of which is a word that inspires great trepidation for some, wonderous love and hope for others, and hatred of a corporate America that wants only to bleed every last sent out of your pockets in order to fill their own.
For the past couple years today has been a day of joy and happiness having all that I have really wanted and hoped for for so long. This year things fall more between trepidation and a hatred of corporate America for constantly reminding me exactly what today is, not in the sense that they want to, but in the sense of what today represents to me personally. The love and hope that I've had in the past.
By this point everyone knows the obvious reasons for the change this year. But the added kick is that today I found out she is moving on. If nothing else she has a date for the evening. My compassionate and caring side is ok with this, it wants nothing more than for her to be happy, if not with me than with someone else, or no one else if that is where her heart and mind coincide currently. But the emotional and self-caring part of me wants to scream out for bitter retribution against the injustices against me, against the part of me that cares about her deeply and unconditionally. The word "Why?" repeats over and over in my head. Comprehension eluding me as I try to determine the causes of all that has happened against the effects that resulted. In so many ways I want to just hate, empty every bit of me that gives a fuck about anything and focus inward on the anger and pain until they are all that is left, then to pass on and need not concern myself with this life but only with the next. I hurt, I cry, I curl into a little ball trying to become a singularity that consumes itself into nothingness. None of these help. So I move on, put on a happy face, pretend that work isn't so bad, that my shiny new Nintendo Wii will solve all problems, and that life actually revolves around pie, or Pi, or cheese, or donuts, or whatever else suits my fancy in the fleeting moment of awareness before the darkness returns to envelop my soul.
Today we expect at least a foot and a half of snow, probably closer to two feet. Normally this would be cause for celebration, getting to drive around, then settle in under a blanket and watch movies or play games, or light a fire. But I have no running car with which to play, I came into work because I've been sick the past two days with food poisoning or an alergy, home may be hours away, and even when I get there games or movies will be done alone, and a fire is a wishful thought and nothing more.
So today, for the first time I can remember, the snow is my bane. Bringing yet another reminder of the things that could have been, but may never be.
Posted by ehunt at February 14, 2007 11:58 AMTrackBack URL for this entry: http://movabletype.mindflight.org/mt-tb.cgi/506.
I was searching for alergies to chocolate & somehow your blog popped up. I lurked and found some wisdom that's timely for me. Feb 14th is my birthday, so it rarely meets even the lowest anti-commercial expectations. For me, it has been so long since a break up that I really was shocked by the intensity of pain that comes with betrayal. Reading others' words makes me realize that it's not utterly unbearable, just something I had forgotten the feeling of -- something others feel, move through, and survive. Anyway, thanks.
Posted by: at March 31, 2007 1:58 AM