April 6, 2008
A ray of sunshine in the darkened expanse (Personal Life)
Recently life has taken another strange twist for me. I've been radio silent for so long that trying to catch up on everything would be more than I can tolerate at this stage in the game. All things in time, as they say. For now, I provide a tiny glimpse, into only the most recent section of my life. However it is a glimpse of something quite significant. At least for me.
About a month ago now I had the nice oportunity to spend time with someone I had only known as an acquaintance in the past. A friend of a friend. We were in a bar local to me, along with our mutual friend and others. Somehow the flow of the evening allowed just me and this acquaintance to be left relatively alone, for an extended period of time.
Now anyone who knows me at all well, knows that I am shy, unsure of myself, closed off and generally hold a dislike of people who aren't close to me. In this particular circumstance I found little of those features to hold true. Somehow or another the two of us chatted for upwards of an hour, without interuption or lull in conversation. Thinking back now the topics themselves have become lost, but the feeling of having someone that I could talk to remained. Sadly she was up for only the weekend, as she lives south near Boston.
As fate would supply, I had training in Boston at the end of the following week. So made loose plans to meet up with her down there and hit up a pub, or at least grab a quick dinner. The quick dinner turned into a long evening, where I was supposed to be doing homework for the training, and I didn't get back to the hotel until around midnight. Similar events took place the following night, exepting that it was her birthday and a large number of her friends were out as well.
At the end of the week I was due to head back home, having many things to take care of that had been ignored due to the short week at home. She had also planned to return to the Upper Valley in order to celebrate her birthday with her hometown friends, having been from up this way originally. All of this resulted in seeing her for 5 days in a row.
As you may have guessed, or know already, weekends have now been split, half of them I go down to visit her, half she comes up here to visit me and her family. Never noticed the gas crunch till I started driving a couple hundred miles every other weekend. But I've also never cared less.
We've been officially dating for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say I've never been happier. From that first moment in the bar, everything has just seemed to click with both of us. Each has their unique flaws and troubled past, but none of that has mattered one bit. We've both been scared, particularly with the speed at which emotions fly into the face of a unknown storm, but neither of us has let up. In only a few short weeks we've built up a relationship that is stronger than any I've had before, even after years of hard work and patience.
For a long time I had given up hope, but now it has flooded back with the loving compasion of another. With the care and sensitivity of someone who isn't judging me, isn't trying to change who and what I am, someone who just wants to be loved and cared for, and returns the favor.
These are not the overly flowery and eloquent words that I have typed in the past. These are the quick thoughts and mental dump of someone who is truly happy for a moment in time, and hoping that that moment lasts forever.
Thank you, Emily, my love.
February 14, 2007
The snow falls for me (Personal Life)
It's a day of many things.
The first of which is a word that inspires great trepidation for some, wonderous love and hope for others, and hatred of a corporate America that wants only to bleed every last sent out of your pockets in order to fill their own.
For the past couple years today has been a day of joy and happiness having all that I have really wanted and hoped for for so long. This year things fall more between trepidation and a hatred of corporate America for constantly reminding me exactly what today is, not in the sense that they want to, but in the sense of what today represents to me personally. The love and hope that I've had in the past.
By this point everyone knows the obvious reasons for the change this year. But the added kick is that today I found out she is moving on. If nothing else she has a date for the evening. My compassionate and caring side is ok with this, it wants nothing more than for her to be happy, if not with me than with someone else, or no one else if that is where her heart and mind coincide currently. But the emotional and self-caring part of me wants to scream out for bitter retribution against the injustices against me, against the part of me that cares about her deeply and unconditionally. The word "Why?" repeats over and over in my head. Comprehension eluding me as I try to determine the causes of all that has happened against the effects that resulted. In so many ways I want to just hate, empty every bit of me that gives a fuck about anything and focus inward on the anger and pain until they are all that is left, then to pass on and need not concern myself with this life but only with the next. I hurt, I cry, I curl into a little ball trying to become a singularity that consumes itself into nothingness. None of these help. So I move on, put on a happy face, pretend that work isn't so bad, that my shiny new Nintendo Wii will solve all problems, and that life actually revolves around pie, or Pi, or cheese, or donuts, or whatever else suits my fancy in the fleeting moment of awareness before the darkness returns to envelop my soul.
Today we expect at least a foot and a half of snow, probably closer to two feet. Normally this would be cause for celebration, getting to drive around, then settle in under a blanket and watch movies or play games, or light a fire. But I have no running car with which to play, I came into work because I've been sick the past two days with food poisoning or an alergy, home may be hours away, and even when I get there games or movies will be done alone, and a fire is a wishful thought and nothing more.
So today, for the first time I can remember, the snow is my bane. Bringing yet another reminder of the things that could have been, but may never be.
February 10, 2007
Time and again I purge for you, my lonely wind (Personal Life)
It's kinda funny. Last time this happened there was no end to the things I wanted to say. The justifications, responses, small jabs or other strings of words that would spew forth from my lips, directly to those involved, to friends who might provide some semblance of comfort or sympathy, or just into the ether through posts here thinking that maybe just maybe someone would be reading and might find that which came out amusing at the least, or interesting and identifying at best.
This time, I find myself at a loss for words most of the time. I sit here wondering if things aren't better off, partly due to information gleaned from others, partly due to my own experiences, and the strong desire to seal myself and my emotional dribble away in the darkest, deepest location that I can possibly find.
Unable to relate even to myself things seem to be slipping away. The other night I watched most of a movie about a guy who couldn't separate dream from reality. It was the most I've identified with anything recently, and only because I feel that road creeping up on me. These days my dreams are filled with things from my life, not the random insanity of the past, and the random insanity of my dreams seeps ever more into the reality that I am taking part in.
Really I just want someone to snuggle with, but I attach to much importance to that role to let just anyone slip into it for an evening, or even a few evenings. Not that the opportunity has really presented itself, but that is mostly my own doing.
The rattlings in my brain tell me to sleep now, and not to post this, recognizing that these words mean nothing and tell nothing, but simply are a disconnected set of thoughts coming out of an exhausted and influenced mind. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but what good is keeping something that is unappreciated by most, and at best appreciated by those in no position to reciprocate?
Ice on the river cracks and shifts each time I poke my head outside. The destructive sound soothing in ways unexplainable.
Bolo says "Achoo!"
January 19, 2007
Life goes on... (Personal Life)
Either early this week or last week I had my annual review at work. Nevermind that this is the first review I've had since my 6 month review back in February of 2005. The review went well. I even ended up getting a raise this year and a small bonus to boot. In light of recent events I really couldn't care less though.
Stupid car.
Stupid house.
Stupid squirrels in the walls.
Stupid love.
January 15, 2007
New hosting provider and other changes (Web Site)
A number of subtle site changes have occured over the past week. Figured I'd update on them.
First and foremost I've changed hosting providers. The new provider is HostMonster.com and has a very suitable package for me. They continue to use Cpanel as the management software which saved me some hastle in transfering my site(s) to the new server. But the big benefit is in having the ability to host multiple domains with one account and having 200GB of space to use. Admitedly I probably wont ever use that much space, but it gives me breathing room where I didn't have any before.
I've also finally rebranded the MediaStor project to HoardStuff. I've had the domain www.hoardstuff.com for a while, but couldn't use it with my old setup. I've finally made this live and moved things over. Whether or not I ever complete that project is up in the air, but at least it's finally on it's own site and setup the way I wanted to get it.
I've also picked up a slew of other domains all pointing to my main site, but they'll give me flexibility and ownership down the line should I want to use them. eliashunt.com, elihunt.com, raetha.com, feitae.com, praethos.com, naerden.com. Bulk rate domain purchasing is nice.
Anyway, at this point I believe all DNS changes are complete and email and site should be happily working in their new locations. There is the possibility that certain things aren't working correctly. If you find one please let me know.
January 10, 2007
Crying to the Darkness (Poetry)
My heart cries to the Darkness
What is it that I've done?
To deserve the pain
That follows me always
From the Darkness comes
The faintest of replies
Nothing my son
Nothing at all
January 6, 2007
The rain falls for me (Personal Life)
So many things have happened since I last posted. Bought a house, got a couple roommates, had my car die on me twice. Work got sucky when my position changed, then started to get ok again. I've built a drainage system, and helped friends through tough times. Played video games, read new web comics, and watched a number of new tv shows. Started exercising more, then stopped again. Practiced my cooking skills, and ate out of lot. Lost friends, gained a very small number of new ones. Started to find myself...
But comparatively none of that means a damned thing. None of it is important. There was one thing in my life that was important, that was the foundation for everything else, that would have resulted in the end that I want, the things that I want to leave behind when I'm gone. That foundation was built, and I thought it was solid. So I built on top of it, buying a house, setting up retirement funds, not buying every stupid little toy I desired, growing into a semi-responsible adult. All with the end in mind, but without having the details of the path defined before me. I figured those could come as they will, I'm a flexible person. Never have said I had to do certain things at certain times, or stay in one place forever. But always the end was in sight. And I thought that it would come.
Now I know not what the future will hold. My solid foundation was ripped away without warning, and without good reason. I stand now on the edge of a precipice wondering whether to jump, climb down, or just look at the bottom for a while.
I think I'll sit for a while...
August 22, 2006
Happy Birthday Pia (Personal Life)
Today is the most important day of the year for me. 23 years ago the person I want to spend the rest of my life with was brought into this world. 20 years later I found her. Ealier this year I proposed to her, and had the happiest moment of my life when she said yes.
Today is the birth day of the most beautiful, amazing and perfect person in the whole world. I wish I could be there to spend it with her.
Happy birthday, Pia my love. I hope you have a wonderful day.
May 19, 2006
Headin' South (Personal Life)
In a last minute streak of insanity I decided early this week to go visit Pia in Texas. Now I've been planning to go at some point anyway, and it has been discussed on occasion when. What is significant about deciding early this week, is that I decided to drive her car to her, and leave next Tuesday, the 23rd. Kinda short notice huh? No one even complained at work, thank goodness, because I might have had to smack them if they did. :)
The drive is estimated to take between 29 and 31 hours from online mapping sites, but I'll have both a road atlas, and my laptop with MS MapPoint and a GPS receiver, and might take some slightly more scenic routes as I'm planning to arrive in Texas sometime Thursday afternoon/evening, which gives me a good 36 hours of driving that I can do, assuming I drive only 12 hours each day.
Not yet sure what I'm going to do for places to stay. On the way out I may just sleep in the car if the area around me looks safe enough, and if not find a cheap motel somewhere. Once I get there is another story though, everything is pretty expensive online, so I asked Pia to see if anyone there has the inside digs on a cheap but decent place to crash, so far no luck. A friend of hers with a house offered to let me crash, but I feel like this being my first trip out I'd like a little more privacy, and I haven't even met the guy yet.
Now I look forward to a weekend of laundry, dishes, cleaning fish tanks, and trying to pack everything that could be useful to me for a road trip, And a long road trip at that, and the first long road trip where I'll be flying solo, need to remember lots of music, and chocolate covered espresso beans. Oh crud, no cd player, need to buy a cd player.
Anyone who wants to can bug me this weekend, I'll mostly just be home going crazy.
May 15, 2006
MySpace... (Review)
is the Devil, or at least that is what I tell people publicly.
Roughly a year ago when I first heard about MySpace, I had my traditional response, "It's just another LiveJournal, god why are there so many of these damned things. It'll be just like instant messenger, I'll need an account on every friggin one cause my friends won't all use the same...". Rapidly degrading into one of my rants about society, the masses, our choices to follow fads and my general dislike of things in general. So I decided to not even bother looking at the web site and just pretending that I had never actually heard of MySpace, and that I would never need to, so it didn't matter.
Now, exactly what I feared has happened. A close friend of mine, and to be more specific, my fiancée’s sister, has gone to Alaska for the summer. She should have had cell phone coverage up there. But of course, Verizon slacked off again, said they covered it, but they don't. Verizon really is the Devil. So I get a voicemail from her boyfriend saying she is available on MySpace. Crap, damn, shit, expletive deleted.
I go to the site to see if I can find her account. First impression is not so wonderful, the ads get in the way, the CSS is mostly crappy, though that isn't MySpace's fault, that is due to the inexperience of writing good web code, and the fact that most people just plug and play bits of code into their profile. This creates horrendous web pages that barely render. Once over the CSS rant I finally find my friend’s boy friend that links to her. Having found them I suck it up and create an account.
Account creation was fairly simple without any real obnoxious steps. And I was quickly up and running and able to start doing things. At least it seemed like I was. As soon as I tried to add a friend I got a message saying that email was being worked on for some users. So I tried instant messaging my friend, that feature is down for weeks. Finally I found I was able to add their profile as a favorite and at least not loose track of them.
I next decided to try and add some useful information about myself. I managed to get my high school linked in from my home page, but then couldn't figure out how to add a college. Even went to the edit profile section at one point, but completely missed the "tabs" at the top of the page. Wasn't until the next day that I found out how to add other schools, companies, and change all the other information not on the first edit profile page.
The ads still piss me off, and the fact that there isn't an option to display both a nick name and your full name is rather irritation. Most people want to go by a screen name or a nick name, as do I, but it would be handy to see their full name in their profile, assuming that they allow it. Currently it can take some guess work to see if someone is who you think they are if they don't have up good pictures of themselves, or like some people have no pictures or only art.
Three days later and I'm up to thirty connected friends, with ten in the waiting for acceptance queue. About half of these are people that I don't talk to regularly if at all in years. Through most links I've made, I've found more people that I haven't talked to in years. It honestly seems like everyone is on this thing.
Ending thoughts. MySpace has a lot of issues and things that bug me, the worst is the repeated down time I find around sending email or adding friends. The ads could be better placed and less obtrusive, and there could be better control over CSS and code snippets forcing the user pages to render cleaner without as many problems. I do however strongly like the friend linking and the fact that all profiles are at some level open, so you can easily find friends through friends. Their contact importing should be expanded to include clients like Eudora, Outlook, LinkedIn and Plaxo. The internal email is one of the strongest features allowing people to communicate without giving away real email addresses.
Overall Rating: B-